One of those days where you oscillate between wanting to break something and create a fight with someone, anyone really… or just lying there and crying for hours… You know the one? If you thought through this blog and my ‘good words of wisdom’ that I was one of those people who are constantly happy, bouncing around and seeing fairies everywhere, you know the ones…well… I sure as hell am not one of them.
People who know me well will tell you that my light shines bright and far… but they will tell you as well that when I am dark I am the darkest of them all… I have that infectious energy, the type of aura that, when I am feeling good, can pull a lot of people up there with me, uplift them and make them believe in all the angels of creation. But when I am feeling down, unfortunately, I can pull anyone who stands near to the depths of my despair. That is why when I used to manage teams and I would feel the shift of energy I would always try to get the hell of out the office… so that I wouldn’t hurt anyone… Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn’t.
Today is one of those days… Yes, I know tonight is the solar eclipse and I am probably channelling all the negative emotions out there. I am an empath, I know how that works… Today I woke up with a pain in my elbow coming from God knows where… yet another of those pains that have been plaguing me since the beginning of the year and preventing me from enjoying what I love most. So yeah I am frustrated. But fundamentally I am frustrated with this year… I have been struggling with negative feelings, misunderstandings, things not turning out the way I would wish them to. Since the beginning of the year I feel I take a step forward and two backwards in all areas of my life. Yes, I know, I am in a numerological year 4 and it is the typical influence of that kind of year…
I know and yet it doesn’t make it any easier.
I write about light workers, about the Force and breaking free from the illusion. I write about channelling out negative energies, about unconditional love and letting go. Do I believe in all this? Of course I do. But today is one of the days where I want to give up. Because I feel nothing is working. Because I know what my sacred purpose is and yet I don’t feel strong enough to carry it through. Because I am a human being, incarnated in the extreme density of this earth and today I feel it is pulling me down towards the depths of darkness.
Funny really… When I wrote about depression I had to rely on my memories of those dark times. I did that because I wanted to help people get out of it. Today I am not relying on memories, I am channelling the feeling right now. I am channelling that pull towards sadness and anger. I am channelling the feel of frustration, dissatisfaction, the feel of never being able to do what I am intended to do, to be loved for who I really am. Today I am showing you what darkness looks like.
Darkness… It is that incredibly heavy vibration that pulls you down and drains you. It is not your friend… never did, never will be… and yet sometimes it feels like the only state you want to be in because you are fed up. Because you are tired… so tired of trying… You are tired of understanding why… You just want to loose yourself in it. Use it as a blanket and disappear.
Yes this is what darkness looks like… It is the feeling that permeates your whole body leaving it lifeless. It is the feeling that sneaks up in your mind and makes you want to pick up a fight with the first person who says something wrong… It is the feeling that takes a hold of your soul and prevents it from seeing the light…
Today I don’t want to give you any words of wisdom because I cannot. Today I want to give up. I want to give up on hope. I want to give up on me… Did I ever tell you that my name, my real name, means hope? Well it does and today I do not want to be me. I want to be that other me. The one I never fully got rid off in all these years of spirituality and awakening. The one that still whispers in my ear that I am not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough. Today she is winning and I don’t have the strength to push her away.
Today the weather is disgusting, pouring down with rain and impossibly grey. Somehow I feel I am channelling that greyness. Or is it that, like that woman coming from another planet in Men In Black, the weather is actually channelling my state of being?
Tomorrow I will probably snap out of it. Because this is who I am. I know darkness, I know it well and I know it doesn’t serve me. Never did, never will. But that is tomorrow. Today I will just let the darkness swallow me. Because I am letting it. Because even super heroes have their moments of weakness. Because every super hero has a kryptonite.
This is my kryptonite and it is called darkness.
This is what I wrote on Sunday 26th February… yesterday… Do you know what I did after this rant? I was exhausted and I went home to take a nap and to not see anyone. I didn’t really sleep I went through a state of semi consciousness where I let my anger express itself. The anger towards the Powers that Be…. What do you want from me? Seriously?… Towards my body that, through the pains it is releasing, is telling me I still have stuff to work on… and through those pains making me feel I am still not good enough… Towards people who are hurting me… In my semi consciousness I laid it all out on them. I said I hated them and never wanted to see them again… In my mind I was violent and expressed the things I could not in real life…
As I woke up I felt a bit better. I watched a beautiful movie: Collateral beauty…. By all means if you have a chance watch it. It is not a not a fun movie but a beautiful movie that fundamentally brings you hope. I interacted with friends, people who love me, and wanted to help me out. They sent me energy. They drew cards for me. They reminded me that I was ‘good’ but was still on my path of self acceptance and awakening…
And today I woke up feeling more like myself. That part of me I like so much better and it got me thinking…
I am not only light. I am also darkness. And it is through embracing darkness, with all its negative feelings, not just looking at her in the eyes but becoming her, fully, that I am able to let her go. Not hate her for still being around me but feel her, be her and then tell her goodbye… until the next time…
I don’t think she will ever leave me. The world is too much of a difficult place for me to never feel her again. But it is ok. For I know she will never win. I see the improvements I have made: years ago I would have let her swallow me whole for weeks on end. I would have channelled all my anger towards people who actually love me. I would have channelled all my anger towards people who have nothing to do with it but were just crossing my path at that time. I don’t do that anymore and that is something worth being proud of.
Today I told the Powers that Be that I was sorry. I told my body I was sorry. I told the people I got angry with I was sorry. Because I know that what I felt in my heart was sent out there to the Universe and somehow affected them. Today I told them I loved them.
Today the sun is shining… Am I reflecting this beautiful weather… or is this weather reflecting me?